thoughts
- Seth Hunter-Schofield
- Mar 16
- 65 min read
Seth Hunter Bashore
self-published on March 8, 2025
for my parents and family
untitled
this is all that life is, little one
smoke and memory
fog and void
traffick
I will never forget when I found out that human beings capture and sell other human beings to be sexual slaves against their will. I was a freshman in college and a documentary called "Nefarious: Merchant of Souls" was being shown at our college cinema. Since it was a Friday night, with nothing much to do at a small Pennsylvania college; and because I was a psychology major with an interest in learning about people, I decided to attend. During the running time of that film, I was changed forever. I genuinely didn't know. I did not know, and found it hard to fathom, that humans were capable of that and did that. It surprises me, too, that I was surprised. I knew about the holocaust, war, rape...all sorts of terrible things that people do...but somehow my brain never considered something like sex trafficking. And parents do it to their kids. They traffick them. Some do it because they have no other way to earn enough money to pay for food. Some do it because they are threatened. Some do it because they're evil. Some do it simply because it's the way things are. There are many reasons, but it happens. It's happening right now as you read this too. A child is being sold by her mother to be continually raped, or drugged and raped, until her death, which comes at the hands of her captives or rapist/s. Go back and read that again. Now stop reading for a moment and think about that.
That will be a child's entire existence. I can't remember how I felt when I left the theatre or what I was thinking about. I probably dissociated. I consider myself to be a sensitive person. I was born that way, and my sensitivity has been sharpened by trauma. But I still can't understand how any of us can be ok while that is happening in the world. I couldn't understand then, how anyone could possibly be happy or joyous while that is happening. In the time between then and now, I, myself, I think, have experienced true happiness and true joy. Because of that, feeling those things are no longer a part of my critique of myself and of humanity. And yet - I can't understand how any of us can be ok. Moments of happiness and joy, sure. But ok? Well? Comfortable? Content? Satisfied? No. We cannot. We cannot.
I had a hard time collecting myself in the days and weeks following that documentary. I told people about it, probably mostly everyone I knew. I questioned whether or not I should continue college. I felt that doing anything but going and helping, in whatever way I could, was a betrayal of reality. To do anything other than help - wrong. That was 13 years ago, and when I write it now, it still all threatens to come back. But I've lived a long time since then, and I think I have found a better path for myself. But I promise you, I am not ok. And you should not be either.
Since the time that I learned about the type of sex and human trafficking that was addressed in the documentary I watched, I have come to understand more of its other forms. I am here to tell you that this is not something that is only going on in another country across the world, which is what the film was focused on: international sex trafficking. It's happening right here, right where you are, right around you and I and everyone. Your friend, your family member, your son. In your high schools, colleges, work industries, local clubs, hotels, online communities, and especially in your churches. It's when the frat guys at the local college pass around the room a gang rape victim. It's when men and women spread around the name of a woman who they call a slut, or an easy fuck. It's happening to the celebrity who you're certain it's not happening to. Yes, she is being trafficked. Popular sports star says to his agent, "Hey, I think she's really something. Can you hook me up with her contact info?" The agent replies, "Yeah, I'll see what I can do." What's the difference between that interaction and someone asking a friend for someone's number? Intent. Potentially both are incidents of sex trafficking, which is, again, why I say it is happening right next to you. But intent becomes the difference. Diddy did it and was trafficking people. The friend might be a good person simply interested in having a girlfriend or a wife or friend. The fact remains that at no other time in history were women being trafficked at a higher rate than right now. Yes, it is getting worse.
I tell you the truth, there is potentially nothing of greater importance or consequence currently happening on the earth at this moment. It will not change unless we care and change it. I don't care if you don't know how. I don't care that I don't entirely know how yet. And I don't care if you don't care, you have to. We have to find a way. Bend your will to it. Talk about it. Investigate. Suspect. Think. Expend energy on this problem. We have to stop it. We will find a way. Let it change you.
wind
I woke up this morning and went outside and the sky was alive - the wind moving in the trees, leaves were abuzz. The clouds were thinned and pushed, leaving varied patterns against the hues of blue and purple and grey of the morning light. A flock of geese flew overhead in their classic V pattern. It's Indigenous People's Day and the spirits of the Susquehannock are arisen. Days after devastation by multiple major hurricanes, the indigenous people of this land remind me of the totality of nature. It is chaos, violence, death, destruction. It is beauty in form that dances between the lines of devastation and life, reminding us of its power and also its brilliance.
Hatred. Understanding. Love. Yearning. Sorrow. Wisdom. I feel these things in the swirling wind. Voices in the air. There is so much energy that it makes discernment difficult. I let it fade.
I had a strange dream. Oftentimes I mistake my non-action for passivity, for doing nothing, and then I remember how often people are barraged by undesired “activeness:” people telling them what to do, invading their personal space with unasked for opinions. Stupid men mindlessly spewing useless nonsense at women in the hope that they will fuck them. Or worse, men acutely targeting women attempting to batter or deceive them, to break their defenses down, to find their moment, their moment to rape them. In this world, I suppose I should be grateful that my natural disposition is one of non-action, of passivity. What should I do in the face of this reality other than be silent, listen, care, ask. To find the way means to merge with the flowing of the waters of time, and the energies and paths that we find ourselves surrounded by. It is to know and to be what is needed from you at any given time. I wish there was more for me to do or say but often, there is not. Many times, I would like to be strong: the devastating wind, the hurricane. These moments exist but I think much of the time I'm of the same use as a babbling brook or a gentle breeze. Sometimes it's nice to sit with those things and be unbothered.
Never sure of myself or my thoughts, I toss them about and discard them as haughty attempts to find some meaning in my apparent uselessness. I seek no consolation.
immolate
I think a lot of people in the world are confused and fighting off hopelessness. I think many can also sense that there is something profoundly wrong with the way things are going. If you connect with this at all, press into that sense. What exactly is wrong? Can you find words to describe it? Can you find community amongst your fellow people who may also feel this way?
I’m not talking about the community that you’re familiar with. I’m talking about the community of our species. We forget that we are all fundamentally created the same way. That means there will be, or at least should be, some common nature and inclination towards good, and the survival of our species. Find it. Find the commonality. Find the good. Start there.
People are lighting themselves on fire because they cannot live in this world given the evil that is allowed to run rampant, unchecked. They instead choose to sacrifice themselves, and their remaining time to send a final message, pleading that it be heard. There is something so very wrong. Please, pay attention. Hear their cries. Do not let their transcendentally loud and clear sacrifice fall like a whisper out of the breeze.
deer
There's a male deer carcass in a shallow creek bed near the boundary of my land. It was shot and killed by my neighbors during archery season, but they never recovered the animal. I've been visiting it with my dog Zeus since I found it a few weeks ago. It has decomposed, down to the bone, everywhere except some patches on the head. The body is crumpled over on top of itself unnaturally. When I'm there, I mostly think about what happened after the arrow hit. What it felt like. How the deer reacted. Where it ran. How it died. I apologize to it. I wonder how much senseless pain those woods have seen. I say that I'll try to prevent what I can. I hope it's not too bad, and that whatever is suffering can find rest.
Today when I was there, my eye caught a flash of blaze-orange up the hollow, past my land’s boundary and into my neighbors. My head snapped to the spot and bobbed left and right, trying to see it again, but nothing was there. It was startling, eerie. I thought about it on the walk back, and I started to wonder again what it felt like as the arrow hit.
walking
Question the certainty of yourself and chosen paths. Many things are not what they seem. The line blurs. Clarity is rare. Look for the old ways to guide you. They have been proven worthy of attention by standing the test of time. What remains. Learn from the water. Walk. It will show you.
write for yourself, fuck everyone else
I've really been on a Dragon Ball Z kick lately. If you haven't engaged with the series, please do so. It has been one of the most widely consumed artistic creations, especially among men, worldwide. I believe it could be one of the greatest available tools for healing the issue of patriarchy and male depravity, which plague the earth. It was created by the late Akira Toriyama. Recently, my focus has been on the character, Vegeta. I don't have a history of relating to him. His instincts and personality and development remain complex and somewhat distant feeling. Vegeta's most outstanding quality, to me, has always been selfishness. I first watched Dragon Ball Z in my adolescence. I'm now 33. To a fault and my own detriment, I've worked at limiting selfishness within myself. Because of this, it's taken me a long time to see Vegeta in what I now believe is the most accurate representation of his character. Lately, I've found myself drawn to and using his growth as a lens to my own barriers within myself. It has helped me a great deal. Selfishness and egocentric thinking are a great plight of the human species, especially with regard to men. Developing beyond these traits towards expansiveness in one's consideration of others and the universe, is a tough but critical task.
Selfishness and egocentrism are similar in connotation. For me, selfishness describes a more insidious trait, while egocentrism is a more morally neutral yet similarly self-focused state of being. I think to label Vegeta as "selfish," which is common and which I have always done, is a disservice to him. Even hardcore DBZ fans may forget the details of where Vegeta comes from. Born into royalty of the proudest and strongest race of legendary warriors in the universe, Vegeta, the Saiyan prince, had his destiny laid before him at birth. He followed its path, relatively unhindered, until Frieza, a powerful assassin sent to eradicate the Saiyan race, enslaved and carried out their genocide. Few survived. It is in this place that Vegeta learns the necessity of self-preservation and Saiyan strength. Vegeta continues to develop himself in accordance with his renewed realization and mission, and later in his life manages to become a Super Saiyan: the transcendental state of power exclusive to the most elite of the Saiyan race. It is a power not seen for thousands of years.
Throughout his development, Vegeta remains inherently arrogant, prideful, ruthless, narcissistic, and hell-bent on becoming the most powerful being in the universe, but proves himself, in the most critical moments, to be able to become more than that and exhibit the most paradoxical parts of himself: selflessness and sacrifice. It is through this, not his power or pride or intellect, that he expresses the meaning of being a true Super Saiyan.
"What do you know of meaningless? Spend most of your life ruled by another. Watch your race dwindle to a handful. And then, tell me what has more meaning than your own strength."
- Vegeta, Dragon Ball Z
Vegeta’s resilience is nearly always on display throughout the series. When faced with the crushing defeat that comes from the unfairness of life, he refuses to submit to and be defined by reality and his greatest fear: that he is not and never will be, the best and the strongest; that he will never be able to truly rely on only his own strength to protect himself. Multiple characters demonstrate this fact to him, I believe the two most important of which are Goku and Cell. Goku was born into the lowest caste of Saiyans, classified by their poor, weak bloodline. Yet, in one of the great injustices of the Universe, Goku had an innate ability and power that far surpassed Vegeta's. Vegeta is confronted by this on numerous occasions. Despite this, his beliefs in himself and his lineage, allow him to push through the devastation and seek greater heights. The other character who pushes Vegeta further beyond is Cell, an antagonist like Frieza. During his fight with Cell, a mistake causes Vegeta to face the worst parts of himself at a time when he was on the precipice of greatness. In what could have been his crowning moment of self-achievement and the realization of what he believes to be his destiny (surpassing Goku and becoming the strongest hero of the universe), he allows his pride to get the best of him. In his arrogance, he allows Cell time to increase his power. Cell does so and surpasses Vegeta. The moment is lost due to no fault but his own. This failure sets the stage for one of his most meaningful and best Super Saiyan transformations in the series.
Later in the saga, when all hope seems lost, and destruction of the earth, imminent, we see Vegeta standing on the sidelines of battle introspectively struggling with himself. As someone who prides himself on his intellect, he grapples with his stupidity, his foolishness, and how his mistake would prove to be his defining moment as the prince of all Saiyans, at the end of all things. Suddenly, in a flash of fury and defiance, he explosively transforms into a Super Saiyan, and rejoins the fight - this time, and for the first time, not for himself or the fulfillment of his destiny, but for the sake of others.
A seemingly simple act, but how often do we fail to see outside ourselves and develop and act for the good of others? How many of us are bending our will and energy towards humanitarian crises around the world? There are many in the world who never truly go further than themselves and their ego. What it must take to transcend what is known, one's limits, what one believes to be fair and deserved…the injustice of reality. To move through that into what is beyond awareness and to make that your power. In all of the moments that appear to be the end, Akira Toriyama's final message seems to be this: expand beyond yourself towards compassion, care, and even sacrifice for the benefit of others, your fellow humans. We forget so often that we are a part of something more than ourselves.
memory
written June 12, 2024
Some of those who remain of the class of the 2012 Sandy Hook massacre will graduate high school today.
I resist typing the words because the words should not be typed. It's all wrong. We have learned nothing.
28 people were shot and killed back then. 20, six and seven-year-old, first graders. In the aftermath, many of their bodies lay dead, overnight, in their classrooms awaiting autopsies and identification. Anne Marie Murphy, a special education teacher who worked with special needs students in Victoria Leigh Soto's room, was found dead, shot four times, covering six-year-old Dylan Hockley who was also dead. Soto died first shielding her fleeing children from the bullets of the shooter. Imagine the darkness of that night in that school. The silence. The stillness. The horror.
Many of the bodies from another classroom were found huddled together in the corner of the bathroom. 15 children died in this room. They were hit by more than 70 rounds of ammunition specifically designed to inflict maximum hemorrhaging damage on the tissue of the body. You will not find god in these places. Truthfully, I'm not sure why you would be looking.
The conclusion of the investigation determined that there was no clear motive for why this happened. No reason. No clues. No answers. No insight. No questions. James Knoll, a forensic psychiatrist at SUNY upstate medical university, was consulted about what motivated, the shooter, Adam Lanza to do this. Knoll stated that Lanza's final act conveyed a clear message: "I carry profound hurt—I'll go ballistic and transfer it onto you."
Knoll is closer than most in helping us understand why, but he does not provide the full picture. What is the larger message in this massacre? Who is speaking? What are they saying? These questions are for all of us to ask and seek to understand.
I was not there, but the image of the bodies of those children torn apart by bullets, all huddled there together in blood in the corner in the darkness of that night—I will hold onto it. I will not look away.
Gestalt Therapy as a Trauma Treatment for Veterans
There is a considerable lack of research on trauma, specifically war trauma and its properties and treatments. There is also is a lack of discourse involving gestalt therapy in the field of psychology due to its reputation and founder. This paper attempts to advocate for the both of these deprivations singularly and synergistically. This literature review uses seven sources related to gestalt therapy, war trauma, and trauma. It postulates that the utilization of gestalt therapy in trauma treatment for veterans is appropriate and likely effective. It is critical for the field of psychology to more frequently implement gestalt therapy in its discourse and practice so that further research can be done on its effectiveness.
keywords: trauma, war, gestalt therapy, treatment
Trauma is universal. It may vary in its operational definition and severity depending on a range of factors such as culture, experience, and subjective perception - but it is inarguable that it is a consistency of the human experience. The human response to trauma, aside from these factors, has certain similarities. It causes intense psychological and emotional pain, which in turn considerably affects the brain, the nervous system, and can then impair the body’s overall health through a disruption of many critical physiological processes. Trauma is generally stored in oneself by way of an automatic and unintentional repression or avoidance that can significantly impact a person’s ability to function healthily in the world. It affects perception, contact, relationship, communication, and many other essential ways of engaging with one’s surroundings. Because of the commonality of trauma, it should be understood that trauma work is an invaluable proficiency of the mental health clinician’s skillset. For clinicians to have a comprehensive understanding of trauma, and employ effective therapeutic techniques and interventions, there must be an abundance of research related to the subject.
Though there have been some groundbreaking revelations presented to increase our understanding of trauma, there is still much to be learned about it and appropriate treatments by closely examining it. There is specific value in examining trauma in its most severe forms, as this provides the clearest but also possibly most complex observable manifestation of it. War can produce an amalgamation of some of the most devastating and complex trauma imaginable to the human being. Yet, there is a significant lack of both short and long-term research done on war and its effect on the human psyche. I am advocating for a greater emphasis on war trauma in the field of psychological research. It could have significant implications, not only for veterans, but for our understanding of trauma in all of its presentations.
My interest in trauma and war began at a surprisingly early age. My father made no attempts at sparing me from an awareness of the harsh realities of this world, and in many ways, I am thankful for this. I had minimal restrictions as far as the type of material I was allowed to consume. Even prior to my adolescence, we watched movies like Terminator 2, Rambo, Predator, and Saving Private Ryan. I saw rape, death, killing, and acts of war portrayed on screen. I remember watching Black Hawk Down in middle school and being mystified by the experience of the American army rangers in the movie. They had names, they had families, they were human beings. In many ways they were very ordinary. They could have been you or me - and they killed, watched their friends die, and many died themselves during a war tour that was supposedly intended to bring aid to Somalia. Somalia, at this time, was a country whose power was being consolidated by militia, and whose people were starving and dying during the conflict.
That movie, in particular, brought upon a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in me. There was so much that I did not understand. Was the United States involvement in this country justified? Was it helpful? How did these soldiers process what they experienced? How did Somalis feel about these rangers? I had many questions and felt an overwhelming emotional response to what I was witnessing, which fueled a desire to know more. Most of my chosen reading material from then on consisted of books on suffering and profound trauma, often specifically of war. The Things They Carried, Matterhorn, Black Hawk Down, Generation Kill and many more were influential during my process of exploration. I continued to gain insight into the personal trauma of those who experienced the battlefield, while also expanding my knowledge of the scope of war as it relates to politics, government, race, and power. Later in life, as I developed an interest in psychology, I began to see the connection between this and my earlier interest in war.
Suffering is an inevitability of human existence. Because people need assistance with enduring, processing, understanding, and healing from suffering, there is a need for the field of psychology. Part of psychology’s role is to gain insight into the nature of suffering and trauma, and then provide theories and treatments that can be used to assist in the alleviation of these major elements of the human experience. Through my undergraduate studies in psychology, I developed an interest in gestalt therapy. I was attracted to its theory of human nature, and of the tangible way it appeared to facilitate emotional processes which created change and relief. It was not until now, however, that the specific interests of war, trauma, and gestalt therapy have come together.
There are many interrelations between the traumatic effects of war, and gestalt therapy’s theoretical orientation towards healing, which will be discussed throughout my suggestions for treatment. This supports the idea that gestalt therapy is an appropriate and likely effective therapy for treating war trauma. It should be understood, however, that in the scope of treatment, a significant amount of progress must likely be made with the client before the phenomenological and trauma techniques of gestalt therapy may be implemented to their maximum effectiveness.
The treatment process should proceed as follows. First, the clinician must understand the potential fragility of the therapeutic relationship. Research shows that there may be some hesitancy and caution in clients with posttraumatic stress disorder, and their engagement with therapy. Butollo et al. reported client dropout rates between 18.9% for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy and 26.9% for cognitive behavioral therapy, which are two of the leading PTSD therapies (Butollo et al., 2014). This could also be evidence that suggests a need for different and more effective therapies. Additionally, Finley et al. found that veterans typically have some resistance to trauma focused therapy (Finley et al., 2020). Many people seek treatment as a last resort, and they will likely be hesitant to engage in the vulnerabilities of therapy due to the difficulties that this produces. I can imagine that this hesitancy would be much more severe in the case of someone who has significant trauma that they have repressed. It is courageous and incredibly difficult to explore the experiences of searing trauma. This is why it is important for clinicians to be direct and honest about the nature of treatment.
Providers have stated that they prefer to inform veterans, in detail, of treatment options and then allow them to have input in the selection and course of treatment (Finley et al., 2020). By creating a more egalitarian foundation to the relationship, the clinician will strengthen the therapeutic relationship. Gestalt therapy views trauma as disrupting the person’s ability to make healthy contact with their surrounding field. In other words, the trauma damages the person’s ability to relate to themselves, others, and the world around them (Perera-Diltz, et al., 2012). This will likely set the therapeutic relationship at an early disadvantage, which places a high degree of importance on the clinician’s ability to operate in a manner that promotes connection.
After the client is briefed about the nature of treatment, a process of assessment should begin that allows the therapist to gain insight into the unique person and environment within which the trauma has occurred. Scurfield (1993) elaborates on this by stating:
No one went to war as a “blank tablet.” We all went as someone, as somebody. We all had personalities, strengths and shortcomings, values, beliefs, prejudices, relationships, successes, problems, issues and dreams. And you, this some-body, entered the military and went to war. And you brought inside of you to the war all of those personality characteristics, strengths and shortcomings, values, beliefs, prejudices, relationships, successes, problems, issues and dreams with you — we all did. And what we brought with us to the war somehow interacted with what each of us experienced during the war, resulting in unique combinations arising out of who we were before the war and during war. And so, there is no way to begin to understand the possible impact of war unless you have a clear sense of your personality before, during and following exposure to war trauma (as cited in, Scurfield, 2006, p. 97).
Scurfield makes it eloquently clear that the clinician must seek to understand and work through the context of the whole person. They must then attempt to help heighten the client’s own awareness and understanding of these factors. I cannot yet specifically say what this assessment would look like in terms of its structure and application to the client/therapist relationship. More research must be done in regard to this issue. It should be noted that construction and analysis of sensitive, effective, and appropriate methods of assessment are critical. It is likely that this stage of therapy may take a significant amount of time and much of it will consist of talk therapy.
Once a comprehensive understanding of the whole person is achieved, it could be appropriate to move into pretreatment and some cognitive work. By doing so, it would hopefully provide the client with the tools to build a solid foundation that is necessary for being able to undergo intensive trauma work. This is supported by Finley et al. who found that providers agree that supportive psychotherapy and pretreatment are essential to providing effective coping skills for subsequent treatment (Finley et al., 2020). Widera-Wysoczanska also supports this by stating that, “In order to be able to go back and resolve the trauma, an individual first needs to build a sense of support and strength inside and outside. Building resources that enable recovery processes provides the basis to healing from the consequences of trauma” (Widera-Wysoczanska, 2016).
After these skills are formed within the client, it is my belief that a combination of introductory gestalt and cognitive processing therapy could be effective. CPT is a cognitive therapy with significant empirical support in its ability to treat trauma (Konig et al., 2020). It is used in cognitive restructuring to help the client reduce avoidant or repressive tendencies. Scurfield found that an avoidance or detachment from the realities of war is vital to being able to survive it. He states that, “For both front-line combatants and support personnel in such roles as medical services, graves registration, truck drivers, in-country prison duty and intelligence, the primary means of surviving the risks, the constant threats and unpredictability of danger, is to learn how to detach oneself from the realities of what is happening” (Scurfield, 2006). This makes working towards preparing and opening the client to reliving their traumatic experience a critical element of trauma work.
Cognitive therapies have been questioned regarding their comprehensiveness in trauma treatment. They oftentimes reduce PTSD symptoms but typically fail to provide any moral or inter/intrapersonal benefit beyond that (Butollo et al., 2014). Some clinicians believe there may be unresolved issues that are being missed by these treatments. This notion is echoed by Pack who stated that sometimes clients can begin to form an identity of themselves through their pathology (Pack, 2008). She discusses the importance of deconstructing and reauthoring client’s stories through gestalt properties of awareness, which allows them to recreate a sense of self that is healing from their trauma rather than defined by it.
As the therapeutic process unfolds, a stronger connection within the therapeutic relationship is established, the client gains tools, and as a result hopefully becomes more comfortable with the idea of doing more intensive trauma work. When the timing feels appropriate for the client and therapist, the last stage can begin. I believe that the most complete method of healing, in this regard, comes through accessing the trauma inside the body, then experiencing it outside the body, in the safety of the presence of another living being. Given that this experience can be very difficult to create, it can be helpful to do it with a skilled clinician and healthy therapeutic relationship, but truthfully it can happen anywhere.
Gestalt views therapy as helping work through “unfinished business,” which is a term used to describe blockages that affect our ability to healthily make contact with the world (Perera-Diltz et al., 2012). Crump (1984) stated that through the gestalt process of reliving their traumatic experience in the present moment, veterans showed a decrease in struggle and anxiety (as cited in Perera-Diltz et al., 2012, p.80). He also stated that “giving the symptom or the emotion a voice brought awareness and closure to the unfinished business” (as cited in Perera-Diltz et al., 2012, p. 80). To me, this shows evidence for gestalt techniques supporting the healing process. I think trauma is primarily an emotionally affecting experience that manifests itself deeply within the body and mind. As a result, I find that gestalt therapy’s emphasis on emotional awareness, expression, and resolution, provides a sound theoretical framework for trauma therapy and trauma therapy for veterans.
In the writing of this essay, I found limited amounts of research on gestalt therapy and its effectiveness as a trauma treatment. Many of the articles I read called for a need of further research on the subject. Also, some of the articles were written by the same authors and referenced each other, which shows a lack of available research. Additionally, most articles were unanimous in their agreement that gestalt therapy is, at least, equally effective when compared to the leading evidenced based trauma treatments – and could provide significant benefits beyond reduction of symptoms for the healing of the whole person. Perera-Diltz et al. summarizes this sentiment when they state that “Although Gestalt therapy is the treatment of choice for PTSD theoretically, strategically, and tactically, it fails to achieve its proper status and recognition among the various approaches for the treatment of PTSD. . . .The current rules of the game in psychotherapy are documented “proofs” of efficacy” (Perera-Diltz et al., 2012, pg. 82).
Research that specifically addresses war trauma and the psychological health of veterans is even scarcer. Scurfield emphasized this in his book by specifically identifying a severe lack of longitudinal research done on long-term psychiatric assessment of veterans (Scurfield, 2006). There is significant overlap between trauma, PTSD, and war trauma. However, war is an incredibly unique traumatizing experience. As a result, it should be understood that there is a need for specific research and strategies for treating veterans. Scurfield has done significant amounts of work in this regard and made note of several non-traditional therapies that have been found to be effective. They are: visiting memorials, grief and loss rituals, Outward Bound adventure-based activities, helicopter-ride therapy, and returning to the war zone during peace time.
With further regards to treatment development, gestalt therapy is aligned with more contemporary approaches to psychotherapy and development. These approaches emphasize that neurosis, trauma, and development must be specifically understood through the lenses of people’s unique systems and environments. Furthermore, these modern approaches seek to place the individual as the expert of their experience and culture. They not only include the individual in the understanding of and construction of appropriate treatments, but they encourage them to lead the way. This method of developing theories and creating treatments must be applied to veterans and those who have experienced war trauma. In the field of psychology, we can use theoretical orientations that seem to be the most fitting or appropriate and verify them through research. However, why would we not begin with the experts – the veterans themselves? I feel similarly now to the way I did when I was young and watching and reading about war. There is so much that I cannot and will never be able to understand. Because of this, I will strive to listen to, advocate for, and elevate the people who do. Psychology needs to do more to help those who experience war trauma, and it needs to begin this mission by listening to those who have lived it.
for you
Well, now that I don’t have an iPad, I don’t have anything to numb my brain and pass the time with. I can’t endlessly scroll anymore. I could do it on my laptop, but it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t get that drug hit from the seamless transition from app to app, and on the laptop I have to actually click to scroll instead of swiping my finger.
Now you’re all in for some shitty writing. Who? No one because no one reads what I write. That’s not true. Some people read it, just fewer than I’d like. Why do I want people to read what I write? Because I feel like it doesn’t have value unless that happens. Is there any point to typing these words onto a document? Is there any inherent value? Does something happen to the universe when I do it? Does it change things?
It changes me. It lets my thoughts go somewhere. It lets me think. My first book is titled “Thoughts.” That’s mostly all I have. Thoughts. I feel like I read somewhere recently that thoughts were of a lower value than I had thought before I read it. Thoughts have a “lower value?” What? Why are these my thoughts? If other people were in my brain, I feel like the most common reaction would be, “why?” Like, what is wrong with this guy. These are his thoughts? This is really what he spends his time thinking about? Yeah.
Publish. Submit. Try. Yeah, because I’m going to spend a shit load of my time doing a bunch of red tape job application type bullshit just so I have a slight chance of more people reading my thoughts? No. No, thanks. Feels like begging. I’m not going to beg anyone to read my thoughts. I tried to publish an academic paper once. I got to the revision part of the submission. For the life of me, I could not figure out how to make the first change in Microsoft Word. I was just stuck on a formatting change. It was a stupid formatting change, but if I wanted to get published it was a formatting change I would have to make. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to do it and then I gave up. I’m not spending a bunch of my time trying to make a stupid formatting change just so I have a slight chance of more people reading my thoughts. Yeah, I have a problem. I know. My entire existence is one giant problem. I like eastern spirituality and the idea of the Dao. Flowing through life as water, seamlessly integrating into every environment, group, conversation. In reality, my existence is like a battering ram. It’s like a giant stupid cave troll swinging a club obliterating everything around it. For no reason.
drums
“Drums, Drums in the deep. We cannot get out.
A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out.
They are coming.”
- J.R.R. Tolkien
Ominous and foreboding. The finality of the words. There are fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world, says Gandalf as the fellowship prepares to make their trek through the long dark of Moria. The dwarves delved too deep and too greedily, and they awoke something down there in the dark.
There is much that we have forgotten for long lengths of time, but the return of its memory can happen in an instant. It's when you get goosebumps, and your hair stands on end. It's when your cells seem to buzz with the anxiety of danger. Something is wrong. Something is out there. This is partially our connection to the old ways - to the chaos, the darkness, the relentless black that does not hesitate, does not think, does not care. It takes and it kills. No mercy, no philosophy, no values, just death. Death. Death. Death comes with the drums.
We have a fear of the dark and of certain things but oftentimes aren't sure why. We've lost touch. We live in a false certainty that we have some control over everything that happens around us. This is a lie perpetuated by years of disconnect from nature, from the truth, and from the old ways that Jung wrote about that still very much determine the course of what happens in the world. We have become blind, deaf, and dumb, while it relentlessly devours all that we hold dear and good in this world. It takes our children and rapes them and forces them to rape other children. It genocides. It poisons and tortures and robs while we sit in the matrix of our fantasy that we have comfortably constructed around us. It has us right where it wants us, and it is right where it wants to be - operating in silence, under the rocks, slithering along with the flow of time. Unchecked. Unchallenged. Unknown.
Things are not what they seem. If you are happy and content as you read this, you are wrong. We have not won. We have not reached our destination: the white western shores beyond, of peace and light and harmony. If you are waiting for death to see these gifts, I promise you will be disappointed. More than that, you will sorrow and despair at the understanding that is revealed to you upon your crossing of the veil. All that you will receive is regret and hell, knowing that your whole life was pointless because you failed to understand the whole point of living. You failed to see the true fight that was before you the whole time, and now you are helpless to the void and to watch it from the other side.
WWIII
written February, 2024
We are living in the beginning times of the Third World War. It hasn’t been declared as such because the major powers of the world have not declared war. They are desperately trying to help Ukraine win this fight on their own. Unfortunately, it is a war that the people of Ukraine cannot win. The reality of life is that it is unfair. It is unjust. You know this to be true in your heart. Watch. As a helpless lion cub has its head crushed between the jaws of its father, who is obsessed with power and survival, and who will instinctively murder its own child to ensure that it retains its position of status and power. Watch that and tell me that a god will deliver the Palestinians from Netanyahu’s hand. god won’t. I know this because god hasn’t. Thousands of Palestinian children have been slaughtered. I have seen their open blank gazes as they lie on the ground bloody, either dead or in shock. god has seen this too and nothing has been done, so regardless of what your religious beliefs are, it is past time for us to act. The hour is late indeed
.
Gaza is Ukraine, but with even less of a fighting chance. Gaza, to the western powers, is the smaller fish. Major powers know the truth of the world. They know that there is only so much that they can do without getting their hands dirty; without declaring war and throwing the balance of humanity into a precariously fragile position, where our fate could literally be decided, for the worse, with the push of a few buttons.
Major powers know how to do large scale international probability calculations. It’s less impressive than it sounds, you can do them too. Who has a statistically better chance at survival? Ukraine or the Gaza Strip. If you don’t know the answer, a quick google search will be revelatory for you. All eyes are on Gaza, yet the genocide continues. All eyes are on Ukraine and even they are being failed. We cannot delay. Americans need to act against this evil brutality. We have to stand for the goodness in the world.
“War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.”
- J.R.R. Tolkien
There is some good in this world. It needs our help.
too much
I remember when I was a child carrying a bucket of plaster, and my grandpa placed his hand on my father’s arm as I was going out the door and said, "that's too heavy for him."
Rape, Trauma, & Society
Rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment have existed since before recorded history. The social acceptance of these behaviors, and the hypotheses for why they happen, have been varied and ever changing, but their effects on women, men, and society have remained harmful. There are dissenting theories about the origins of rape and why it exists in the world. Some scholars, such as Brownmiller, as cited in Shorter (1977) argue that rape is a political act, and a means of men exerting their dominance over women. Shorter makes a counterpoint by stating that although rape can be a political act, it has in many time periods, been a societal and cultural issue where, due to a complex amalgamation of societal constructs, structures, and beliefs, men experience sexual repression combined with elevated societal status. Shorter argues that the mixture of these elements created an atmosphere where rape was prevalent. He also states that rape has been in decline in modern history yet acknowledges the underreporting and lack of reliability of the data. I’d also like to add that although it may be in decline, it is still one of the most important issues that human beings face in 2024. We must continue do whatever we can to assist those who experience sexual trauma – through prevention but also support and treatment. Rape and its history can and should be discussed and theorized, however, it is the stance of this paper that it must be eradicated amongst human beings. It is a disease; an infection; a virus; we must develop the antidote. Brownmiller succinctly echoes this sentiment in their book Against Our Will by stating that their purpose in writing, “has been to give rape its history. Now we must deny it a future.”
Regardless of whether or not Shorter’s data on the prevalence of rape is accurate and valid, the fact remains that rape along with sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment presently exist in the world and affect countless women. As a result, there is a necessity for effective treatments for women who experience sexual trauma. Only as recently as the 1980’s was post-traumatic stress disorder added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Since then, more specific attention was given to sexual trauma, but the research has been limited. The rise of feminism and the “me too” movement have garnered worldwide momentum, not only for the fight against sexual assault, but also the overall treatment of women. Since then, there has been an increase in women disclosing their stories of sexual mistreatment. The awareness of the prevalence of sexual assault and trauma has skyrocketed and will hopefully continue to influence treatment development and research in these areas.
Research on the efficacies of sexual trauma treatments is limited. There are a few well researched treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy and cognitive processing therapy, but this is not enough. Also, it is worth noting that it’s difficult for these treatments to reach where damage of sexual trauma exists; the psyche; the human spirit; the soul. This trauma also paralyzes the body, oftentimes entrapping it in a constant state of alarm and reactivity.
Psychophysiological trauma work is a relatively new approach to treatment, and it, more than most cognitive approaches, more accurately treats the chronic issues brought on by trauma. These treatments are centered around developing an awareness of the physiological response to trauma, and how it interacts with traumatic memories and cognition. Psychophysiological approaches are promising but surely, they can be built upon and further developed and enhanced. The zeitgeist of treatment in general is moving away from single methods of treatment and moving towards a more integrative and holistic approach that uses the most beneficial elements of single treatments to comprehensively address trauma and symptomatology. This is a good development for the future of psychological treatments.
Stigma surrounding sexual trauma has a number of adverse effects on survivors. First, it has prevented sexual trauma from being recognized and discussed in society and psychology. This lack of recognition has resulted in an inadequate amount of attention on the experience of sexual trauma, symptomatology, and effective treatments. Only in the last 30-40 years has this topic been gaining attention, and there is still much to be discovered. Second, because women who have experienced sexual trauma are often not believed, are blamed for their trauma, and tend to have their self-value diminished by society, they can be hesitant to disclose their trauma and often do not seek treatment. Third, stigma contributes to the symptomatology of sexual trauma. Survivors often have misconceptions about their trauma such as “I deserved this because of the way I was dressed” or “It is my fault because I was not able to stop it from happening.”
These kinds of culturally patriarchal accusations and cognitive distortions, which are levied towards women and the abuse they experience should all be obvious factors in how women experience, internalize, and process sexual trauma. Furthermore, the intentional misdirection from the true consistent perpetrators has led to a lack of justice and accountability for these crimes against women. We have always been told to watch out for strangers, for drug dealers, for the dark figure in the dark alley. Luckily, we now (but only very recently) know that though these people are sometimes perpetrators, it is far more likely that our grandfathers, fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, friends, church leaders, daycare workers, therapists, teachers, etc. are those in whom this evil resides. These societally strategic misconceptions and misdirection’s can lead to women experiencing profound stigma, which actively works against healing and seeking help.
It is no wonder that we lose, to suicide, many people who are faced with this seemingly insurmountable task of having the perception of their entire world shattered in an instant, generally by a loved one. Safety, gone. Trust, gone. Relationship, gone. Love, gone. Value, gone. Worth, gone. Hope, gone. All of these things, and more, forever taken, infected, misshapen, fouled up, by someone who we thought loved us. Psychology agrees. Dodd et. al, state that the inaccurate cognitions created by this dismantling of perception can develop into maladaptive thoughts and schemas that worsen symptoms and prevent healing (Dodd et al., 2021). Furthermore, negative cognitions resulting from stigma can increase anxiety, which heightens the physiological stress response and adds to somatic symptoms.
The stress response has been well documented in physiological literature. Our bodies are designed to provide an enhanced physical state in order for us to deal with acute stressors (Sapolsky, 1994). This is a natural and normative response. When our stress response is appropriately and infrequently activated, it does not have an adverse effect on the body. It learns when and for how long it needs to be revved up, and when it is safe to calm down to a more equilibrized state. However, when a traumatic event is imprinted upon the psyche, and then repeated, it can chronically activate the stress response. This results in unhealthy levels of hyper arousal that can deteriorate the body (van der Kolk, 1994). When the stress response is chronically activated, the body cannot be healthy. Let me repeat that. When the stress response is chronically activated, the body cannot be healthy. Every single one of the body’s processes and functions will be negatively affected by this chronically activated stress response. Autoimmune disorders will develop, illnesses will worsen, cancers will form, memory will fail, cognitive ability will decline, anxieties will increase, and much more. All of this will result in the persistence of the chronically activated stress response, which will be detrimental to the likelihood that we will be able to reverse this. A prison. A prison inside our own bodies.
In addition to somatic symptoms, the psychological effects of sexual trauma are severe and large in scope. Early research by Roth & Lebowitz compiled acute symptoms known to affect survivors. They state that these symptoms are present in “nearly all psychological dimensions including fears (rape related as well as others), phobias, depression, work and social adjustment, sexual dysfunction, obsessive compulsion, guilt, shame, lowered self-esteem, intrusions, nightmares, numbness, and withdrawal” (Roth & Lebowitz, 1988, pg. 82). That’s one way to say that when you are raped, it changes everything for the worse. Additional symptoms are listed as “depression; anxiety; interpersonal and relationship difficulties, particularly in the area of intimacy and isolation; identity problems; self-destructive behavior including substance abuse and suicide attempts; sexual fears, dysfunctions and promiscuity…a profound sense of being stigmatized, a pervasive feeling of helplessness; and extreme guilt and shame.”
One primary symptom of the participants in the Roth and Lebowitz study was being overwhelmed. Many participants disclosed an inability to be present with their trauma and the emotions and cognitions that are attached to it. Intense emotions such as anger or the desire to murder their abuser bring about strong feelings of guilt for wishing someone (sometimes an intimate person i.e. relative) dead. These complex interactions have the potential to be overwhelming and as a result challenging to work through. They also reported feelings of helplessness – a loss of power during the event and in the aftermath. They struggled with how to prevent it from happening again, and how to seek or receive help, treatment, and support.
This study found 14 common but complex themes resulting from sexual trauma in only 7 participants. The themes were only briefly discussed, but could have entire scopes of research devoted to understanding and unpacking each individual theme. That this many themes were found in just 7 women supports the notion that sexual trauma can create incredibly profound, varied, and complex responses and symptoms.
Because the topic of sexual trauma was very new in the 1980’s, the research was somewhat flawed and incomplete. For example, in Roth & Lebowitz study all participants were white and there were only 7 women interviewed. The interviews were very non-directive, unstructured, and participants seemed to be minimally informed regarding the nature of the research. The only interventions by the interviewer were for prompting or clarifying. Furthermore, there was perhaps a lack of support provided for the impact that the interview might have on the participants. The lack of structure and formality in the analysis of the research could have resulted in a low interrater reliability. Roth and Lebowitz were aware of the limitations and implications of their study. They stated that though they found evidence for previous understandings of sexual trauma in their research and believe they have contributed to building upon those understandings, there is much more extensive research and findings to be done and discovered.
Current research is trending to be more comprehensive and inclusive in nature. Multicultural considerations are being made and research and participants are becoming more ethnically varied. An example of this being Glowacki and Glowacki’s case report of a Pakistani American woman who had experienced sexual trauma. They found that evidence that supported that cognitive processing therapy, when used appropriately with consideration of specific cultural differences in their approaches and stigma surrounding sexual trauma, can be effective in treating multicultural populations (Glowacki & Glowacki, 2021).
Early research on sexual trauma and trauma response had a somewhat critical undertone in its discussion as it placed emphasis on the victim’s lack of psychological fortitude or existing schemas as being barriers to effective coping (Roth & Lebowitz, 1988). Roth and Lebowitz provide perspective to this trend by normalizing the trauma response and difficulty coping. They argue that someone with normative and healthy schemas and psychological stability may experience significant distress and difficulty with processing and recovery in the aftermath of sexual trauma. Instead of turning the lens towards victims suggested deficiencies they discussed what might prove to be effective treatments.
Early treatments for sexual trauma were behaviorist in nature and focused on addressing the stimulus and the response but lacked the consideration of the total scope of sexual trauma and its symptomatology (Roth & Lebowitz, 1988). From the critique of behaviorist therapies arose and understanding that it is necessary to address the traumatic events and discover the perspective and thought patterns that exist and are a result of the trauma itself. Cognitive therapy was developed to provide this facet of treatment. Cognitive processing therapy built upon cognitive therapy by assembling a common group of schemas that are typically affected by sexual trauma which include safety, trust, power/control, self-blame, esteem, and intimacy (Glowacki & Glowacki, 2021). It focuses on what thoughts and meaning have been attached to these schemas and how rigid or stuck the client is in their thinking across these areas. CPT then aims to change maladaptive or misinformed thoughts and shift existing schemas/perspectives/worldview to a more hopeful or healthy scope. When successful, CPT makes secure adjustments that tend to remain in place for years after treatment. Underwood et al., provide perspective to the progression of treatment by discussing some limitations of cognitive therapies. They state that cognitive processing and restructuring is beneficial because it can help alleviate the additional symptoms and aggravation of symptoms due to stigma and misconceptions in worldview and schemas (Underwood et al., 2007). However, these therapies can be harmful because they can increase dissociative tendencies and avoidance by limiting emotional processing and restricting treatment through a lack of consideration of the body. Van der Kolk echoes this sentiment by stating that cognitive therapies fail to address the harmful levels of hyperarousal that work in conjunction with traumatic memories to increase the avoidance and suppression of emotions, which disconnects us from being present in the world (van der Kolk, 1994). He adds to the critique by stating that the “goal of treatment of PTSD is to help people live in the present, without feeling or behaving according to irrelevant demands belonging to the past (van der Kolk, 1994, pg. 12).” In order to achieve this, people need to become more aware of how their physiology is affecting their psychological state and vice versa, and then learn, through treatment, how to alleviate symptoms and return the body to a more normative state of functioning. For this reason, Underwood et al., call attention to other therapies such as psychophysiological trauma work which more appropriately addresses the trauma response by putting the client in touch with the varied effects and symptoms of sexual trauma, which includes somatization (Underwood et al., 2007).
Presently, an understanding is developing that due to the complex symptomatology of sexual trauma, and variety of beneficial but incomplete treatments – treatment must be more comprehensive and holistic in nature. That is to say, providers must learn and utilize the beneficial aspects of individual treatments to appropriately address the scope of sexual trauma. Gentry et al., conducted a major study that compared the efficacy of trauma treatments and found no significant difference between them (Gentry et al., 2017). This prompted a suggestion that future research should focus on finding out what, if not the methods themselves, is important in terms of effectively treating trauma. It is suggested that clinicians, at the very least, should have a solid mastery of working through 4 critical factors of trauma treatment: cognitive restructuring, therapeutic relationship, self-regulation and relaxation, exposure and narrative (Gentry et al., 2017). Next time you see your therapist, ask them if they think they have a solid mastery of those things. That the research suggests a combinatory mastery of themes and skills supports the research of this study in that psychophysiological trauma work, which relates to self-regulation and relaxation, will be more effective than only cognitive processing therapy in the treatment of symptoms.
One of the first things I mentioned in this essay is that E. Shorter, in his research, hypothesized that rape is less prevalent in modern times than it has been throughout history. Who gives a fuck. Racism is probably less prevalent in 2024 than it was in 1776 but ask any black person or Mexican person or Palestinian or racially well-adjusted white person if that evil is still one of the top issues we face as human beings in 2024, and I guarantee you they will say it is. That it happens to one person is enough. That it happens to one person should be enough for all of us to be throwing masses of our energy at ridding our world of it. We have to push harder. We have to do more. Talk about this. At the very least, talk about this.
remember
As humans we're tasked with the honor of being guardians of nature and all living things, a responsibility that many have lost sight of in the modern age. A Kenyan man once shared with me the insight that we have literally and figuratively separated ourselves from the earth, which has resulted in a tremendous loss for both us and the natural world. He went on to explain that we have scarred the earth with concrete and asphalt for the roads and walkways. Metals, brick, mortar, and plastics form our homes. We live in high rise apartment buildings and cities where sometimes we see nothing but what we have created with our own hands. How often do our bare feet walk in the dirt and the leaves? To further emphasize his point, the man stated that part of the function of hoofed animals in dry places like northern Kenya is that they break up and loosen the earth with their feet as they walk and feed, which allows the infrequent rains to penetrate deep and bring forth new life. This can't happen when the earth is roads and walkways and parking lots and buildings. And without the tilling of the earth by its creatures, natural processes, many of them, are stunted or stopped altogether.
As caretakers of the earth how much we have lost in our spirits and hearts, minds and souls, because of our modern disconnect from that which we are made of and belong to? How much has the earth and its plants and animals suffered because of our creations?
Recently I rescued two female black American shorthair stray cats, and a male German shepherd all within a few short months. My apartment at the time already housed two zebra finches and a canary. If you have experience with cats, you know how much of a nightmare/impossibility it could be to attempt to get two strays of this breed to cohabitate in a single room. Then add a big, animal aggressive, German shepherd. Then try to keep the cats from constantly trying to eat the birds. I think there are very few people who would attempt to harmonize all of these creatures in a single shared space. That concerns me greatly. It is our job, it is our nature, and it is part of our purpose being here to do these things, especially given how much we have fucked everything up. My two cats could not navigate that transition alone. One likely would've been killed by the other over territorial issues even though they no longer had to fight for resources like they did in the wild. The birds would fall prey to the cat or die from stress. The cat might be spontaneously killed by the instincts of the German shepherd. It took a lot of diligence and hard work but now they’re each other’s family, and there has been endlessly multiplying meaning and goodness in my life because of my new unorthodox family. Without them, I don't know that I would be here.
I urge you to make a radical change in your lifestyle. Think on these things. Think on the wisdom of the Kenyan man. Think about what is being lost because of our separation from who we are as a species. We will never experience the true peace that is meant for us if we remain so wholly disconnected from our task and from who we are. For the good of all, we must get back in touch with what makes us, us.
adaptation
It's 2024. It's the age of connectedness; a connectedness so intense, we fail even to resist how bound we are to it. How many of us have tried to cleanse and detach from and reduce our connectedness - to Instagram, to Snapchat, to Facebook, to the news, to technology, to the world. Sometimes in an attempt to retreat into ourselves, in order to find ourselves, we even disconnect from others; from this overwhelming overstimulation of our environment and our existence. This is usually around the time we find ourselves crawling back into our dissociative devices, which contain the very things we tried to disconnect from in the first place. So where do we go? Where do we go to find the peace and safety and time required to find ourselves?
Maybe instead of straining against what is seemingly simply the wheel of time; the inevitability of destiny; the inevitability of connectedness in this age. Maybe instead of fighting so furiously against it, we have to embrace it and use it. Maybe we need to try talking to one another and connecting with one another. But this renewed sense of direction towards the utilization of technology for connectedness cannot be gone about in the way we have been going about it. It cannot be done with hatred and anger and discord and bulldozing. Instead, we must open with kindness, honesty, authenticity, thoughtfulness, compassion, care, interest, and concern for the welfare of our neighbor. We must adapt to this strange and relatively new thing that we wrestle with; this inescapable presence of connectedness combined with the rush of life and our assumed responsibilities. We must harness it and use it for the betterment of ourselves, our lives, our loved ones; our towns and cities; our cultures, our countries. We must use it for the betterment of this earth, which we inhabit and are charged to care for. We might even have to use it for the betterment of the universe.
Technology is not stronger, nor more powerful than the human being. It will never be, as long as we maintain a decisive and firm boundary with what we allow technology to become. We are in control of it. We cannot forget that. So, let’s use it. It's not the one ring… It's not a twisted catalyst created by a dark lord, infused with malice and hatred; resolute on its use being for the purpose of destroying humanity… it’s just technology. We created it; now let's use it to bring ourselves together in a way that sustains the human race towards wellness and togetherness; towards that which we are so deeply deprived of, and so dearly miss: family and community. Let us move forward together towards a real and good and blessed future, and the enjoyment of whatever remaining time we are given.
genocide
In 1994 the Clinton administration failed the people of Rwanda by ignoring their pleas for help as they were about to be massacred in their own country. What followed was a genocide. A mirror image of this event is beginning to happen now in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The United States must immediately intervene on behalf of innocent people in the DRC and Sudan and all other African countries who are in need of this aid. It was a failure of humanity for the United States to look away back then.
For a species capable of peace and harmony, it was an earlier unforgivable failure of humanity for the founders of the United States to have built a country upon the genocide of the Indians of the Americas.
And what happened in Africa at the hands of white men. We cannot continue to make the same mistakes. We have done such wrong to our brothers and sisters who live just a ways away from us. The consequences of this are still happening.
The white western world is in an uproar over a man driving through a Christmas festival, which caused the death of some and the injury of many. A few thousand miles away, children are being mortar and pestle'd in front of their families. Women, mass raped and massacred. Hundreds of thousands are dying, and it is ignored.
We must send help now.
Appalachian Trail Journal
This is one of two journals that I kept and wrote in during my 2017 attempted thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail. The first, I lost due to being damaged by rain. The second is transcribed here. The truth of this journal is that there is a lot that I kept to myself and kept inside. Much of it, I will likely forget. In the spirit of my mental, emotional, and physical state, and the tone of this journal, I won’t elaborate too much. It’s important to care for yourself. It’s important to be honest. Hopefully, the meaning and truth behind the entries below is something that can be felt.
4/18/17
Stecoah, North Carolina near Robbinsville
I'm staying in a hostel tonight. Julia and Gaucho are here too. Julia and I did 20 miles yesterday and a tough 14 today. Last night we stayed at the Nantahala Outdoor Center in bunks. I had beer and fish tacos at the restaurant. The NOC is a hiker/kayaker hub. It's right on the AT (Appalachian Trail) and the Nantahala River. Gaucho and the group met us for breakfast in the morning. Today we climbed 3,000 ft. in elevation in just a few miles. It rained most of the day and was foggy. Tomorrow, we go 15 miles to Fontana where we'll take a zero day, our first of the hike. My feet are pretty banged up and the mileage is starting to catch up to me. The hostel owner is weird; Julia doesn't think so.
4/19/17
Stecoah, North Carolina - Wolf's Creek General Store
I had, maybe, the best breakfast of my life: a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on biscuits...pancakes, and sausage.
p.s. Lonnie didn't kill us last night.
4/20/17
Fontana, North Carolina - mile 165.6
Today is a zero day for me, Julia, and Gaucho. Brian went ahead and Josh is going home to New York for a few days to be with his family. It rained last night and some of my stuff got wet but it's dry now. The group went into Fontana Village this morning, which is basically a hotel, for breakfast. We resupplied at the general store and ate at the hotel restaurant for lunch. Our campsite is on a manmade lake. The shelter is known as the "Fontana Hilton" because it has showers. My body is pretty beat up. I could probably take a few zeroes in a row. We're about to enter the Smokies at mile 167.
p.s. I found out that Tiger (Woods) had his fourth back surgery.
p.p.s. Seems like the life has gone from life. Every experience I have, nothing sticks.
4/21/17
Mollie's Ridge, North Carolina/Tennessee - GSMNP (The Great Smoky Mountains National Park)
Today we entered the Smokies. The first 12 miles or so was underwhelming, but I hear it gets better. Gaucho went on to the next shelter; Julia and I are still together. I walked alone for most of the day. Partly because I was slow and tired, but I was also thinking about Kelly and Darryl. It's probably been a little less than a month since Kelly's death. I don't know what to say about it. I want to finish for a lot of reasons, but I want to finish for Kelly and Darryl...and send a picture of me on Katahdin to Darryl to let him know I did it. I think he'd like that. In the Smokies, tents are prohibited so we're staying in the shelter. We have two more full days until Gatlinburg, Tennessee. I'll take another zero day there.
4/22/17
Derrick's Knob, North Carolina/Tennessee - GSMNP
The Landscapes were better today. The forest seems old like Fangorn. The trees are big and gnarled and there are a lot of moss-covered logs on the ground. I hiked with Julia today. We did 12 miles, still trying to slow down our pace a little. My feet and legs are doing better, and we've been getting into camp earlier (2:30-3:30pm), which leaves time to read and write and eat and drink. I hear the Smokies are the most visited national park. Julia has been making me hang my food bag. The weather was nice today: cool and cloudy, no rain. It rained hard last night. It’s been nice not having to set up tents and stay in the shelters instead. I haven't met very many noteworthy people, but I don't really talk or try much. - note - We heard of a guy, who, earlier in the trip started his hike wearing minimalist sandals and after 3 days was strapping oatmeal packets to them for extra padding until he could get new shoes.
4/26/17
Peck's Corner Shelter, North Carolina/Tennessee - mile 217.1
We spent a couple days in Gatlinburg, mostly eating. We didn't intend to get off the trail at Clingman's Dome but after a day of weather: 40 degrees F, raining, 20-30 mph winds, we decided to head to a hotel. Gatlinburg is nice, tucked into the Smokies. It's touristy but that means plenty of food options, so I didn't mind. We restarted at the Dome in much better weather and got to see the view. We hiked about 4 miles that night to get to the shelter...was one of the nicer hikes so far. The Smokies are dark and moody at times but also open up to ranges of grass covered ground mixed with little white flowers. At the higher elevations, it's often misty and the woods are thick and damp and mossy. We did 15 miles today. We often get stopped by people who ask if we're thru-hikers and then follow up with lots of questions and well wishes. People seem to be fascinated. Hobbes is at this shelter along with a few nice guys from Texas. - note - we've had no problem hitching. People are very friendly toward thru hikers. The French girl from Quebec is also here. I forgot to mention - when we were in Gatlinburg, we met up with Gaucho at a brewery and played trivia with an older couple named Judy and Leslie. They were the best...friendly, fun. They bought us all rounds of beer and asked us questions and gave us hugs and took a picture with us when we left. I asked Leslie to send me the picture from his phone and he said, "You'll have to send it yourself. I'm 73 years old, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." I've thought about “The Lord of the Rings” a lot out here and how far they all walked throughout that story, and how that is probably often overlooked by readers/viewers/. I've also thought a lot about “Star Wars Episode III” and “Troy” and “G Gundam” and much more. Today we found out that one of the thru hikers who we've been seeing regularly broke her ankle this morning and will have to leave the trail.
4/27/17
Cosby Knob, North Carolina/Tennessee - GSMNP
This is our last full day in the Smokies. We did 13 miles today in just over 5 hours. It rained almost the entire time, temperatures between 45-50 degrees F, and 15-20 mph winds. We've had some weather nearly every day since being in the Smokies. It seems unavoidable in the elevation range of 5,000 - 6,000 ft. There was always a noticeable change in the weather once we dropped below 5,000 ft. The temperature drops about an average of 10 degrees F, per 1,000 ft. We passed the famous baby hikers: a young couple who is thru-hiking with their infant daughter. If they finish, they'll be the first people recorded to ever complete a thru hike with an infant. I got a picture with them. I timed my food well for this resupply. I'll have nothing left after our 10 miles to the hostel tomorrow. We'll resupply there. We also saw Josh today at the shelter. He decided to move on ahead to the next. Hopefully we'll catch him and Gaucho in Hot Springs in a few days.
5/2/17
Hot Springs, North Carolina - mile 273.4
A lot has happened since my last entry. We exited the Smokies, hung out with our Texan friends (Galaxy Pirate aka Jean Ralphio, Coach, Jeff aka No Spoon, and Turbo Snail) at Standing Bear Hostel (beer), and have had a couple tough days on the trail with limited food. We got some much needed trail magic before Max Patch via some cool people and a Bernese Mountain dog named Gus. We camped on Max Patch (the famous bald, and one of the most visited spots on the AT) and staggered into Hot Springs after a 20-mile day. We had some trouble finding a hotel and ended up at the Iron Horse Tavern and Inn before switching over to Laughing Heart Hostel last night. It's nice today: sunny, clear, breezy, 70 degrees F. I'm still not connecting with many people. I don't know if I'm cut out for the social aspect of the trail. Everyone's so friendly and outgoing and I'm much more reserved. People probably think I hate them. Julia says I'm intimidating. Maybe this will change later on. We did laundry yesterday at a crummy local laundromat. I sat naked under my rain poncho drinking a PBR pounder while I waited for my clothes. Truly, hiker trash.
5/26/17
Atkins, Virginia
Tough days.
5/29/17
Quarter Way Inn, Virginia
I'm out here in all these beautiful places, and all I can think about is how much there is to be sad about in the world. I have thoughts about my job, and how different things are at other places. We watched "A River Runs Through It" today and for all the beauty and joy in that story, I'm always left with a deep sadness - much like my own life, it seems. Supposedly, I'm out on this grand adventure enjoying it and living it up, but I'm not. I'm mostly dissatisfied, empty. Unsure of what I'm doing. Unsure of why.
6/06/17
Campsite, Virginia - mile 614.2
In the beginning pages of my journal (which I no longer have), I wrote, "Hiking the Appalachian Trail is one thing. Hiking it alone is another." This has become more apparent the longer I've walked. I think of Chris McCandless and his Tolstoy passage and his realization that, "happiness is only real when shared." Isolation kills man.
I walked about 300 more miles after this last entry and then I broke. It’s taken me a very long time to forgive myself for that. Sometimes I’m not sure that I even have. It’s a hard thing - to process the magnitude of it. Part of that comes through what I’m doing now in writing this down and passing it on to whomever it might end up mattering to. Save yourself.
sex
The sexuality of men and women all over the world is fucked up beyond all recognition. Many men live in sexual isolation or abuse sex as a meaningless ego inflator, which further pushes them towards depravity. In their stunted sexuality they quickly refer to their dicks, hoping for some quick hit of sexual gratification that they desperately long for and lack the patience to organically experience. They use power through sex to remind women that they will never be free; their sexuality and their innermost self will always be taken and defiled against their will.
Women long for meaning and connection, love and care. Throughout history they have been deceived to give up themselves sexually, in exchange for these things that they desire. Because of the manipulation of men, the trade is never in their favor. When they are taken advantage of in this way, sometimes they retreat and guard their sexuality for safekeeping; to keep themselves from being harmed through it ever again.
Sometimes it hurts so bad that they feel reduced to the use of their bodies for sex. It robs them of so much that they become numb, reaching for love in the only way they have been told they can, which is through their sexuality. Sometimes, in power and in ownership, they flaunt their sexuality in defiance of the subjugation of men. Look but don't touch. After all, it is theirs and it is theirs to share with whom they will. Men often receive this with bitterness. How dare they dangle those fruits with no intention of sharing. It tears at the fabric of men's sexuality and oftentimes results in stoking the toxic fire of men's patriarchal gravitation towards power and domination. Sexual violence ensues. A seemingly inescapable and unsolvable vortex of discord and the clashing of immiscible desires.
I don't know how to fix it but I do know that if we are ever to experience peace on earth, it is something that must be reconciled.
thoughts of Joan
“Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.” This is how Joan Didion opens one of her books, which is an account of her grief in the year following the death of her husband John. He died of a heart attack at the dinner table. In an instant. It was an ordinary day, and he died in an ordinary manner, and nothing was ever the same again. Didion appears stunned that it happened the way it did. She repeats it multiple times throughout the book, as if she’s stuck there. Because she is. She revisits this inconceivability for a final time near the end of the book when she makes an astute observation about grief and mourning. She realizes the need to let go of trying to make sense of the unfathomable; the need to let go of the one who is dead. Joan has to let go of that which she has been subconsciously and perhaps consciously stuck on. It is killing her. I know this because I know that that is the only thing that could be motivating enough to cause her to let go of her husband. Nobody willingly lets go of their loved one as they dangle off a cliff, if their hands are clasped together. It is no different in death than it is in life. I think it was clear to most people who knew them that she and John loved each other fiercely. They became extensions of one another, the sum of their magic greater than its parts. That’s why it can be so difficult to let go. What a loss.
Joan Didion was strong though. She had, inside of her, what it took to do the right thing by her own standard of herself. She had self-respect; so, she let John go. She begins to describe this process… “We try to keep the dead alive in order to keep them with us.” We do this when we keep their clothing, pictures, writings. We revisit memories of them. Our bodies and minds instinctively keep them alive due to the incomprehensible reality that they are gone from the world and gone from our lives. We see visions of them. We wake up in bed and expect them to be beside us. We revisit, again and again, the manner in which they died; the day they died. How did this happen? Why did this happen? We balk at the knowledge that they’re dead.
Didion was an intellectual, a journalist, and a writer. As a child she was instructed to turn to the literature when faced with a problem. As she did this, she found out what others had to say on certain matters. Their contributions helped her better understand her problems, which provided comfort and self-efficacy + hope. For her, grief was no different. Initially, she struggled to find much information on the topic, so she refined her search toward academia and professional literature. What she discovered was that others had made some contributions towards understanding grief and mourning. As Joan read on, she uncovered terms that helped dispel some of the fog that she was experiencing in the aftermath of her life partner’s death: disenfranchised grief, symptoms of grief, complicated versus uncomplicated grief, pathological grief, pathological bereavement, etc. She also, through her experiences with how people responded to her in her grief, learned what is helpful and what isn’t when it comes to comforting someone in that type of space. Joan learned how grief affects the body, the mind, and the soul. She began to understand that grief is never what someone expects it to be, and that although it’s something nearly everyone experiences; everyone experiences it differently. It’s because of this that it’s something we must all go through alone, doing our best along the way to hang onto our selves in the confusion and despair.
The book is concluded by her expressing the sense that John is slipping away from her. She is struggling to keep him alive because her memory of him is fading. Specifically, her recollection of him at the instant of his death is less clear. In trying to hold onto him through memory, she had spent the past year recalling, daily, the memories of him the year before he died. She tries to remember where they went to dinner on this day, and where they travelled on that day. She suddenly realizes that her memory of the current date from a year ago is the first day after John had died. It was the first day on which her memory of the day didn’t involve John. She follows this realization by saying that truly… “if we are to live ourselves, there comes a point at which we must relinquish the dead, let them go, keep them dead. Let them become the photograph on the table. Let them become the name on the trust accounts. Let go of them in the water.” Through her offering of this wisdom and so much more, Joan Didion made a profound contribution to the literature which she once searched. Her account will now serve the next person as they reach for help, comfort, and understanding in their own grief.
therapy
I miss doing therapy with people. It's one of the great tragedies of our time, what has been done to the mental health field. What should be an enlightened human profession moving through the world, healing and uplifting us, has been perverted and deceptively disfigured into doing the opposite. Hijacked, and few know it. It’s odd to spend your whole life working for something only to feel like the entire universe was pushing back against it the whole time.
And then it won. You collapsed under it. Stopped fighting. Left.
What about all those people I abandoned?
is there anyone out there
At the highest levels, the United States federal government and justice system do not abide by the law, yet citizens are expected to. They will order the assassination of a political opponent and expect you to follow speeding laws. The CIA assassinated JFK and MLK over fifty years ago and the public still doesn't know the truth. The democratic party is currently censoring free speech, presidential candidates, and is spreading propaganda and controlling elections at least through the media if not other mediums. Donald Trump is a pedophile and rapist and is supported by a fanatical religious apparatus that would make Margaret Atwood's Handmaids Tale a reality. Curt Cobain was murdered, and it was framed as a suicide. OJ walked free. The United States government betrayed its own people on 9/11, and in the subsequent war in the middle east. The U.S. has ignored untold genocides but will fund them when it suits their interest. We're at the brink of a third world war. Time altering portal warping technology is real. It’s likely that the United States military captured MH370 using this technology in order to keep its enemies from gaining access to the patents necessary for the technology's construction. High ranking military members testified to congress that aliens exist. We are losing the cartel war in Mexico. Sudan is being starved and massacred. This is being funded by Arab money. Our country, like many others, is founded upon genocide and the massacre of an entire ancient people. History is being controlled and erased by oligarchs. Women and children are currently internationally trafficked at rates never before seen in history. Indigenous women are being kidnapped, raped and murdered consistently, constantly, without change or justice. Rapists walk free and protected every day. United States citizens are trapped in an economic vortex and forced to work as slaves to their occupation in order to survive. It's being postulated and accepted by modern physicists that our reality is the holographic projection of "something."
and I am shouting to a void.
lost
I once took a photograph from the top of Kuwahi, formerly called Clingman's Dome. It is the highest point on the Appalachian Trail, which I travelled in 2017. Standing atop the dome back then, I looked out across Appalachia and it's mountains. I don't know what I was looking for but it wasn't for much other than a view. I expected no answers from the mountain or anyone.
Recently, the sacred mountain's given name was restored after Cherokee Indians were able to pass the legislation needed to do so. According to the Cherokee, Kuwahi was visited by medicine people to consult the creator for wisdom and guidance in their communities. As I imagine them in that place where I, too, was once, I regret not knowing then what I know now. I regret not attempting to reach out to the Creator or the mountains in search of answers.
So much has been lost. Recently, this very trail that I trekked, the towns I passed through, and the nature that was my day-to-day life, was decimated by hurricane Helene. I grieve this loss, and I wish I could return to Kuwahi if but one more time. I wish it was different.
sensation and perception
Humans receive information from the world through their senses, the five common being sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. Because humans have been obsessively attempting to learn more about themselves and the universe through “irrefutable” methods of science and research, senses other than those that can be measured in this way are often left out of consideration and conversation. Regardless, our sensing capabilities go far beyond these.
There is a significant problem happening amongst us now. We, as a species, are handicapping our potential in terms of our mental capabilities. Quality is being lost. The expansiveness of our awareness, shrinking. Meaningful connection in human interaction, rare. We have been in the process of reducing ourselves. The human progress that has been made toward valuing developments of the self through things like morals, comprehension, ideals, psychological insight, values, intellect, and spirituality has seemingly reversed and begun to disappear. History, in the span of a very short time, has become so polluted with distortion and lies it is nearly unrecognizable as a somewhat unified human narrative. Our world, as we have known it, has changed, and we’ve gone backwards.
This has happened before during humanity’s time on earth. Progress and regression. Changes. Dynasties. Ages. Phases. Eras. Periods of time where humanity’s development waxes and wanes. I’ve only been here for 33 years so my perspective is limited to that, but I am alarmed with what I’m seeing from us. The scariest part of my observations is the assuredness with which people cling to the correctness of their perspective. Our senses help us make sense of the world, but they come with no guarantees of the truth, and our own experiences are unique to us. Division and hate are the least of our capability. Isolation kills a human being. Make better contact with yourself and those around you. Turn the tide.
the message of self-immolation
On the 25th of February 2024, United States Air Force serviceman Aaron Bushnell shouted for a free Palestine as he burned to death outside of the Embassy for Israel in Washington, D.C. It feels like ages have passed since then. Whatever I feel is nothing compared to what they are feeling. Palestinians are now being tortured by multiple rumors and alleged cease-fire agreements, in addition to being massacred and starved for over a year, only to be killed by more bombs, more air strikes.
United States Secretary of State Antony Blinken, in a press conference, refuses to address two reporters who yell accusations of genocide complicity as they are carried from the room by security. The only words he can mutter are for them to "respect the process." In his farewell address to the nation, Joe Biden touts the latest "cease-fire agreement" as a crowning diplomatic achievement of his administrations term. Then come more bombs, more death.
evolve
The etymology of the word "evolve" is Latin and it doesn't matter. It's a word made up by people that has been used to describe a process that we've attempted to understand for a long time and are no closer to that than we were at the beginning. Humans, just like all other things on earth, have supposedly been evolving since their origination. For us, evolution is different than it is for most things. Unlike the evolution of things like reptiles, insects, and rodents, which is focused on adapting better to their environment in order to increase the likelihood of survival, humans have had a leg up on surviving. We quickly mastered our environment in those terms and have gone beyond. We've done so well with surviving that there are actually too many of us for the earth's resources to sustain. If this were most other things, we would label it a problem and cull the species to a more appropriate number.
Since we've effectively mastered surviving our environment, how exactly are we evolving? Traditionally, our efforts in further evolution have been in the areas of technology, space, psychology, religion, science, philosophy, spirituality, and other things that go beyond simply surviving the elements by which we're surrounded. But to what end? What are we looking for?
Our technological capabilities have been, for the most part, maxed out. We've gone to the moon, created electricity and the internet, made semi-conductors. We've gone so far with our technological advancements that we may have actually created something that threatens our survival: artificial intelligence. The antithesis of evolution. Regarding psychology, our prime has passed. In the late 1800's, a lot of progress was made in our understanding of psychological experimentation and how it could be explored scientifically. Throughout most of the 1900's, psychological theory exploded. There were so many people devoted to theoretically expanding our understanding of the human mind - how it functions and relates to the human body and the environment. Now, the quality of psychological thought, the academia that is supposed to teach it, and the people involved in all those processes, are so bad that it is astounding. Regression. That is not evolution. Religion has stalled, fallen out of popularity, and has mostly only led to infighting. Philosophers do not agree, and even if they do, the answers are not there. They cannot prove anything, and good ones will tell you that themselves.
For all of our success in evolution, we have shockingly failed to do something that many other species achieved long ago, which is to live in peace, at least amongst each other. That's kind of the first step in evolving: if there are others like you, work together. Or at least don't kill each other. But what have humans always done? Raped, murdered, fought, betrayed, waged war. It's the current state of the world. That is not evolving. So, what have we learned about evolution? The truth is, very much and also nothing at all.
between life and death
It has always been known and said better than I can know and say it. White men, and many others, have just never listened, and so nothing has changed. There have been many opportunities throughout the course of history to turn the tides for humanity and the earth towards goodness and peace. We have failed countless of them. We find ourselves on the brink of destruction at the hands of our own creations. Technology. Weapons. Bombs. Nuclear reactions that are so violent, they are capable of decimating our species of 8 billion, in a blink. And still no justice. And still no peace.
Blind, deaf, and dumb we might as well be. Blind, deaf, and dumb we should like to be as we wander the underworld in our end, for it would be better for us. But we won't. All will be revealed, and once we know what could have been and what we were meant for, we will know true suffering.
Luckily, for some reason, there is still more time. There is another chance, but we have to listen and change. Let us muster ourselves together. Ride out to meet and put an end to this evil and what would be our doom. Valiant men and women have cried, "Death, Death, Death," as the horns sounded the charge. Let us live.
time
Since time is a human construct, delete it. No watches, no calendar, no clocks. No days, no weeks, no seconds. Replace the social construct of time with the narrative that we, as human beings, are here for a purpose. We're meant to achieve something together as a species. Many of us have a sense that there is something more to our experience on earth than what we are able to discern, but few can articulate with certainty what that is. So much of what we're doing right now feels like a waste. If there is a puzzle to be solved, no one is working on it. We have to make a change and come together to figure out the truth of our reality. The question of "why are we here?" has never been more urgent. The rest of our "time" must be devoted towards that realization and working towards the fulfillment of its meaning.
Drop yourself in the middle of the wild and ancient Samburu lands of northern Kenya, and everything that you think is real very literally will go away. Everything changes. I don't know what to make of that other than: we create our reality on this earth. Every one of us. The white man who mercilessly and relentlessly flogs, to his own exhaustion, the black slave woman for burning toast. The therapist who spends her days supporting and aiding families who need help. We all create what we see before us. Collectively. We're just doing it wrong.
We don't know our power. We don't believe in it. Where is our spark? Lifeless. Rotting. Ignorant. Closed.
We need justice. We need peace.
let’s go
We, in the United States and hopefully through eventual global support, need to organize a political group to replace our current government and structure. The federal government of the United States, all of its branches, the CIA, and FBI are corrupt beyond repair. Our international relations have been woven throughout decades of sabotage via double agents, dark money, and lies. Our politicians are untrustworthy. Our country, its healthcare system, economy, housing system, and expectations of employment must change, and they must change immediately. I am no longer willing to wait for something or someone to make this happen. I ask for all of you to study my platform, ask questions, and most importantly state your thoughts and feelings in response. Noam Chomsky, and many other intelligent people, have stated that ideas and ideals don't bring about change, people do. People in numbers. I'm not asking people to rally behind me but to rally with me. We have to. There is no time to waste. We must organize and rise.
men
I don't know that men can be helped by other men anymore. Killed, yes. Shamed, yes. Helped? I don't see it. When I worked as a therapist in a college counseling center, I saw a young man who was there because he was experiencing anxiety. As I was doing the initial intake appointment with him, I couldn't believe the lack of brain activity going on in this kid sitting across from me. After some time, I think I could have helped him connect the dots and reduce the anxiety he was experiencing, but would that have really helped him? In my opinion, no. I don't think that kid was capable of much in terms of what is needed from men in this age. And that was a young man with enough intelligence to succeed at a quality academic institution, and who had enough self-awareness to seek treatment by his own free will. What about the rapist? The narcissist? The serial abuser? The dictator?
I think to myself: what can I do here as a man to change men? What are my limitations? What are the possibilities? Maybe something special is needed from a woman to change a man. I don't know. I know men have to change. I don't know what it takes.
on justice
I don't want to write anymore. It feels like it is long past the time for writing. I wrote in an earlier essay that the hour is late and the time to act is now. I don't know how much more urgently change can be needed. Where is the breaking point? Apalachee High School in Winder, Georgia is the latest place to be visited by the American horror of a school shooting. Sonya Massey was murdered by police. The list is unending. Gun violence is everywhere, and it shows no signs of diminishing.
I recently planned to join the police force, but I was concerned about being uncertain of what it would be like to navigate situations with my fellow officers where we appeared to be on opposite sides. I didn't need to wait long to find clarity. Watching the body camera footage of the killing of Sonya Massey, I knew that if I was side by side with deputy Sean Grayson when he drew his pistol on Massey, I would've drawn mine on Grayson.
How are we to reconcile this? There seems to be no point of reference anymore for what to expect when we walk out the door to interact with our fellow humans. What are we to do when this is our reality?
Regarding the breaking point, I think it's been reached. Humanity, specifically the United States of America and the humanity that is represented by that entity, has spiraled out of control. Police are untrustworthy. Government is untrustworthy. Elections are untrustworthy. Trafficking, kidnapping, rape, and murder are the new norms. Propaganda and lies are now expected from the news, media, and subsequently our neighbors. Where to stand...what to do...
Where is justice? It has seemed to evaporate from the earth in such a way that makes me question if it was ever here. And then I remember - it wasn't. We stand upon bodies, upon slavery, and upon genocide. How can a country founded upon such things ever be blessed? Justice has long been left to our court system, elected and appointed officials, police, and the government in the hope that these systems will revert from what they have done in the past, towards representing goodness and what is right. Truly, I see no evidence to suggest that any of these things are interested in bringing forth justice to our earth and communities. What to do; what do I do?
I ask myself this question often. I rarely find an answer. My hope is that I continue to get closer to what I’m seeking. Sometimes making progress seems to only happen when I don't feel the need to ask the question, like when I was watching the footage of Sonya Massey's death at the hands of the ones who were charged with her service and protection. I could see myself with my pistol trained on deputy Grayson's head. I didn't ask any questions, and I didn't doubt my decision. I knew what side I was on. Maybe it's time we create justice instead of leaving it to others who fail and do wickedness in its name. I don't know what this will look like for you. For me, it mostly feels like wading through mist and fog, darkness and chaos, and then - for a moment I'll know - until it slips away again.
References
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Finley, E. P., Ramirez, V. A., Haro, E. K., Garcia, H. A., Mignogna, J., DeBeer, B. (2020). Treatment selection among posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) specialty care providers in the veterans health administration: A thematic analysis. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 12(3), 251-259, https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0000477
Konig, J., Unterhitzenberger, C. C., Kohout, P., Rosner, R., Karl, R., Butollo, W., (2020). What was helpful in today’s session? Responses of clients in two different psychotherapies for posttraumatic stress disorder. Psychotherapy, 57(3), 437-443, https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000295
Pack, M., (2008). “Back from the edge of the world”: Re-authoring a story of practice with stress and trauma using gestalt theories and narrative approaches. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 27(3), 30-44, http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip,sso&db=edsbl &AN=vdc.100069495398.0x000001&site=eds-live&scope=site
Perera-Diltz, D. M., Laux, J. M., Toman, S. T., (2012). A cross-cultural exploration of posttraumatic stress disorder: Assessment, diagnosis, and recommended (gestalt) treatment. Gestalt Review, 16(1), 69-87, http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip,sso&db=edsbl &AN=RN316783350&site=eds-live&scope=site
Scurfield, R. M., (2006). War trauma: Lessons unlearned from Vietnam to Iraq: Vol. 3 of a Vietnam trilogy. Algora Publishing.
Widera-Wysoczanska, A., (2016). Trauma treatment: Factors contributing to efficiency. Cambridge Scholars Publishing.
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